Over the next few weeks, millions of recent high school graduates will arrive on college campuses across the country, cars packed to the ceiling and hearts full of hope. Among the things they’ll carry: their parents’ dreams, expectations, fears — and plenty of advice (solicited and not).
It may surprise some, then, to learn that on the very first evening, students will start making the first of many mistakes, some of which are conveniently documented throughout the semester in a report senior administrators like me receive each morning. Whether students clash with a roommate, experiment with alcohol, skip class or blow off an assignment, I’ve learned not to roll my eyes in judgment but to rejoice in the learning, development and growth that’s underway.
While this might seem counterintuitive, I remind myself that learning to manage one’s emotions, navigate conflict, test values, feel consequences and select among a multitude of choices (some surely less than advisable), is a very human thing. Most mistakes are more formative and instructive than they are harmful or destructive, even though it might not seem so at the time.
As an educator with 34 years of experience working with college students under my belt and expertise in student development, it is easy to believe this is true. But as a father used to swooping in to protect or rescue when failure mounts? Well, it’s a harder pill to swallow. With two recent college graduates in the family and our youngest now in her second year of college, I’m still managing my consistent inclination to instruct, advise or steer.
It’s still not easy, but I’m learning from my mistakes! It’s true that success is almost always born out of failure, and since hindsight is 20/20, I’m now seeing clearly how things I viewed as mistakes were instead the seeds of growth along the way to my kids becoming their best selves.
More mistakes mean more learning, and psychologists are definitive in their declaration that allowing young people to trip and find their way back up (with lots of love and support) builds confidence, nurtures resilience, reduces anxiety and helps grow adults who become accountable for their decisions.
Perhaps being part of this sort of education is the most challenging parenting job of all. But trust me — it’s the most important. Now in round three, I’m still working hard to listen, coach and ask questions more than talk, direct and intervene.
So if you are among those preparing to pack up the car for a campus near or far, I hope you’ll allow me a few words of advice for the road ahead:
- Take in chaos, return calm. When your student calls upset or panicked about a mistake, be calm and reassuring. This will help them develop a sense of confidence in their ability to navigate challenges and reinforce your unconditional love and support.
- Listen more than you talk and ask good questions that help them reflect and grow. One I like to ask is, “What are you learning about yourself?”
- Avoid the “swoop” and encourage them to think about their options, resources and support on campus. I promise there are a lot of people waiting to help them rebound and succeed.
Lastly, be mindful that sometimes what you see as a mistake may merely be a decision your student makes that is different than what you expected — or would have made for them.
They are finding their way. I promise, you will too.
Frank Shushok is president of Roanoke College.
